“It was just survival, I was no longer alive”: the poignant testimony of a former French XV player

He suffers from a handicap invisible. Maxime Mermoz, former player of the XV of France, agreed to speak about his ordeal. In the columns of the Actu Rugby site, the former international athlete, now 39 years old, is officially recognized as a disabled person by the MDPH (Departmental House for Disabled People).

« The goal is not to hit rugby. The best memories of my life are linked to this sport, I know almost nothing else that brings emotions like that. But it’s a sport where you take shocks at full speed. And what happened to me is clearly linked to rugby because I took direct shocks… There is an awareness around the concussions today is good. In my time, it was ‘die or die’. If you complained about anything, you were considered weak,” confides Maxime Mermoz.

His life was turned upside down by significant pain. “At one point, every second was suffering. I never thought about committing suicide because for me, it’s for the weak, it’s abandonment, but it was nothing more than survival. I was no longer alive.” It all started in 2015 with tinnitus and the feeling of having ears full of water. Despite the weeks that pass, the pain does not subside. “One day, I was on a scooter and suddenly I felt dizzy. I managed to stop but supporters found me on the ground in complete discomfort in front of the Post Office in Carqueiranne. It was the first time this happened to me. » Faced with symptoms, ENT specialists discuss Ménière’s disease.

Two years later, in 2017, the situation changed. “I was in great shape during summer prep, I felt like I was 20 years old. By the time we landed, the tinnitus returned even though I hadn’t had any for several months. Then, during a workout, I feel an attack of dizziness coming back. Except this one doesn’t stop. From that moment on, I began to live in a permanent dizzy state. This is the beginning ofa real ordeal. »

The pain continues and no doctor can relieve him. “I’m canceling my second season of contract at Newcastle because I wasn’t 100%. Even living normally was impossible for me. I couldn’t get out of bed at times. I used to fall suddenly in the middle of training, I could no longer do bodybuilding. (…) For x reasons, my family and friends no longer have my telephone number. Many people were angry with me… But for a year, I isolated myself. I come across former players who are aggressive, who don’t understand that I have disappeared, who reproach me. They don’t know what I went through. »

The former player tells Rugby News frankly about the nightmare he experienced: “I couldn’t look at my phone some days because the screens made me dizzy. All my reflexes and nervous system were affected. I couldn’t even look a person in the eye because my eyes wouldn’t hold, I was falling. » And added: “You have to imagine that sometimes, I was in my underwear in my bed, between 4 walls and the shutters closed. I couldn’t hear any sounds or see any light. I couldn’t do anything and I waited like that, facing a wall, for time to pass.”

He decides to put an end to his sporting career. “To tell you the truth, I had to take a bus to see the specialists because I could no longer drive. When I hit the road, sometimes everything would start spinning and I would have to swerve onto the hard shoulder. I put my life in danger every day. » Despite the pain and depression, he continues to fight for his son. He remains on sick leave for two and a half years. “The question was no longer whether I was going to play rugby again, but whether I was going to return to a normal life. »

An ENT finally puts a name to his illness: he suffers from a hematolabyrinthine rupture. “It’s a rupture in the ear labyrinth. It’s like cracks. With emotions and shocks, it opens little by little and creates a dysfunction by letting liquids pass where they should not. » He makes injections of very powerful anti-inflammatories which can relieve it. “The product could cause hearing loss but as I had already lost almost 60% in my left ear with all that, we gave it a try. »

Today, the attacks have become less frequent: “I have returned to sport but I am still very careful. And I can’t hear bass sounds well in one ear. When I’m at a restaurant or at a friend’s table, I always turn to the left to hear better with my right ear. I am often invited to events, but as soon as there is music or noise, I no longer hear anything. » For him, the blows received during his sporting career are not unrelated to his illness : “I took punches that I remember very well but at the time, there was no video like now. »