Sleeping with a friend: good idea… or not?

Between assumed freedom and ambiguous relationship with a friend, the boundaries between friendship et sex are sometimes blurry. It is not uncommon to hear that two friends sleep together regularly, without promising each other more than one fun time shared between two people who adore each other. And after all, if things are clear to everyone… why not? But be careful: if you get too close, the real risk is that you will no longer recognize the relationship that you initially appreciated so much.

Go see a film, have an aperitif… and why not sleep together ? For some, the sex between friends can be considered almost naturally.

Several situations are commonly described:

This relationship presents, in addition to sex, a reassuring emotional base, respectsometimes even tenderness. For sex therapist Déborah Brazzolotto: “In friendship as in love, the emotional base ultimately remains quite similar. The difference is that in love, the distance and the lack are felt more, which often pushes us to maintain and consolidate the relationship more actively when it really matters.”

It is also less seductive to “play”, and therefore less pressure and headache.

There is no single definition. We often talk about sex friendsof relation sans engagement orfriendship with sex. But these terms remain vague, because every relationship is different. The free couple, on the other hand, designates a romantic relationship in which the partners authorize other relationships.

For some, sleep with a friendit is also a way ofavoid couple constraints. The sex friend model is based on a simple idea: sharing a sexual relationship sans romantic commitment. “We see each other out of desire, without pressure, particularly because the relationship is often clearly defined from the start,” analyzes the sex therapist.

In this configuration, everyone thinks they have control over their feelings. But in practice, things are rarely that simple.

The first common situation after sleeping with a friend is the birth of doubt andambiguity. After sleeping together, many describe a phase of uncertainty:

This lack of frameoften transitory, creates an ambiguous, sometimes uncomfortable relationship, which can end in a clash in the event of disagreement. After such an episode, returning to a simple friendship is often compromised.

For the love expert: “it’s more complex than it seems when the rules are not established from the start. Clear rules and honest communication from the start are essential.”

This is one of the most common scenarios. Over the course of intimate moments, an attachment can be created. Of the romantic feelings can appear… sometimes in only one of the two people. For Déborah Brazzolotto, this is explained: “notably because sexual relations promote oxytocin releasea hormone involved in attachment and the feeling of love,” she explains.

This asymmetry can turn a fluid relationship into a source of headache and suffering.

The situation is even more delicate when it comes to sleep with your best friend (or her best friend). Here, the stakes are higher: you are not only sharing sex, but a true friendship built over time. Contrary to what we imagine, we do not always “lose” a friend. But often, the relationship changes deeply. There may remain discomfort, a distance that is difficult to manage.

This is also what Déborah Brazzolotto observes: “if the friendly feeling shifts towards the loving feeling then the relationship loses spontaneity. Unconsciously, we change because the person becomes an object of desire and love. We want to please them and be chosen and no longer be a backup if we don’t find something better.”

It may be even more complex if you decide to hang out with your best friend. In this case, the relationship evolves completely. The risks are major:

However, for Déborah Brazzolotto, sometimes it is quite the opposite, a romantic relationship with his or her bestie can provide a very fulfilling relationship: “The ‘honeymoon’ phase is then based less on an illusion or an idealization, than on a relationship already based on trust. We really know each other and we choose each other by being aware of who the other is, and not through an idealized vision”, explains the expert.

Other configurations are even more sensitive:

In these cases, feelings of guilt and betrayal can be very present. The consequences then go beyond the relationship between two people and can impact an entire social circle.

There is no universal answer. In some cases this works:

But in many situations this results in:

The risk is therefore to lose this friend or not to find the same relationship later. Especially since this friendship can complicate serious relationships for both partners. Staying friends with someone you sleep with (or have slept with) can be tricky, and sometimes difficult to accept for a new partner. Sleeping with a friend is therefore not not necessarily an error…but it is not never trivial for the rest.

“Another possible risk if the relationship becomes lasting and committed: some people may have the feeling of having missed out on other emotional or sexual experiences, which can sometimes weaken the couple and lead to a desire to look elsewhere,” warns Déborah Brazzolotto.